Avoiding fights may be silently killing your relationship.
We think the best relationships are peaceful ones, no fighting and no drama. We’re taught to “jaga hati” (keep the peace) and avoid confrontation.
But psychologists warn that avoiding arguments doesn’t always mean your relationship is healthy.
Are Arguments Always Bad?
It’s not about whether you argue, it’s about how you argue. Research shows that people who argue respectfully have stronger, more trusting relationships than those who avoid conflict.
Healthy conflict resolution can:
- Improve communication skills: You learn to express your needs clearly.
- Deepen understanding: You gain insight into the other person’s point of view.
- Build trust and closeness: Working through conflict together strengthens your bonds.
Think of conflict like exercise: uncomfortable at first, but it makes your “relationship muscles” stronger over time.
How to Argue Without Destroying Your Relationship
These strategies can help you argue in a healthy way, as long as the relationship is safe and non-abusive. If the conflict is toxic or traumatic, do seek professional help.
1. Use “I” Instead of “You”
Instead of blaming, share how you feel. Say, “I feel ignored when you’re on WhatsApp during dinner,” instead of “You never pay attention to me.”
Studies show that using “I-language” helps the other person understand your point without accidentally accusing them and making them defensive.
2. Don’t Try to “Win”
When you’re focused on winning an argument, the relationship loses. Focus on mutual understanding and finding a solution that respects everyone’s needs.
If you’re focusing on how wrong the other person is and discounting their feelings, you’re moving in the wrong direction.
3. Practise Active Listening
Most of us listen only to reply, not to understand.
Active listening is about being fully present with another. Instead of focusing on what you’re about to say, give the other person your full attention, hear them out and reflect on what they’re really saying.
It’s a sign that you’re willing to sit with the other person’s perspective, making them feel valued instead of dismissed.
4. Take a Break
When emotions run high, it’s easy to say hurtful things we don’t mean.
Trying to resolve a disagreement right before bed? Both sides may be too tired to think clearly.
Don’t be afraid to pause, calm down and revisit the conflict at another time. A short break can make a big difference.
5. Attack the Problem, Not the Person
You’re not fighting your loved one, but the common problem you’re facing together.
Focus on the issue by saying things like “When the rubbish is not taken out regularly, I feel stressed. Can we plan a system so we don’t forget?”
This keeps discussions productive.
Silence Isn’t Always the Answer
Fighting in a healthy way shows that you and your loved one care enough to communicate openly.
Couples, families or friends who “never fight” may look peaceful on the outside, but unspoken issues can grow into bottled-up feelings. Meanwhile, relationships that allow healthy arguments often come out stronger because both sides feel safe to be honest.
Are you the type who always says “don’t fight lah”, or the type who believes a good argument brings people closer? Share your experience in the comments!
References:
[1] The Guardian, Arguing with your partner? Done the right way it can be a skill for couples, say therapists
[2] Everyday Health, How to Have Healthier Arguments, According to Psychologists
[3] Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C. PeerJ. I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.
[4] Verywell Mind, Why Fights in Relationships Can Be a Good Thing
[5] Verywell Mind, Conflict Resolution Mistakes to Avoid
[6] Psychology Today, Battling? Make the Problem the Enemy, Not Each Other
